Tuesday, September 13, 2011

What It's Worth

                What do you want me to tell you?  I’m just like you.  I feel insecure.  I’m lost in a world that doesn’t want me.  My heart has been broken too many times.  And, my life is not what I always dreamed it would me.  As a matter of fact, my life is far from what I ever believed it would be.
                So, here I am.  I’m writing to you just to let you know that life is what it is.  There are no mysteries or struggles, or even real pain.  We create that.  We need to find a way to show that our lives have some meaning.  That we aren’t just insignificant.  For some reason suffering equates meaning.  If we suffer, then we matter.  That’s why minorities feel oppressed.  That’s why Whites feel burdened.
                Who cares who’s better than who?  Who cares who’s ahead of who?  If God truly exist do you really think any of this will matter?  LOL.  God I’m sure looks at this world in a much different way than we see it.  I’m not God…and you know what, neither are you.  None of us really know what he’s thinking about us right now.  Now, I have to believe that whatever he’s thinking, he loves us.  That’s just God for you.
                Hey, but let me ask you this.  If you do know God, don’t you know he favors the meek???  He seems to not favor the wise and prudent man…nor the rich and powerful.  So…well…so…so…what do you want???  I mean you know how much he loves the prodigal son…and the 1 sheep over the 99.  And I’m sure you also know that it is much more difficult for the rich to enter into the kingdom of God than it is for the poor. 
                Man, if any of this is strange to you then perhaps you need…umm…I don’t know…umm, some…well, some humility.  Why would you try and please man when you are going to die???  This world isn’t forever.
                Okay, I know it sounds like I’m preaching, but I’m not.  I’m just talking.  As a matter of fact, I’m talking just to instigate.  And, I know that what I have to say hurts a little.  Because I know that you have tried to achieve so much, but have failed to realized that God doesn’t care how successful you are, only that you honor him.  He asks for your obedience, not your sacrifice.  That’s why Saul was not David.
                Now, I’m not saying you can’t be rich or be successful, I’m just saying, what does it really matter?  “What does it profit a man to gain the world but lose his soul?”
                Last but not least of all my venting.  What’s it worth to have a happy family?  What’s it worth to have children that respect you?  What’s it worth to be honorable?  What’s it worth?  What’s it worth???

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Each day I sink deeper and deeper into an endless abyss of tears of despair, trying to keep from drowning.  As long as I can see, hear, feel, touch, taste, or smell anything, I am reminded of the pain her memory brings.  
            Every morning I turn to find her gone and my pillow is wet from the tears of crying myself to sleep.  I’m quickly reminded of the shivers I would have from her cold feet, and her nudge to press the snooze button.  Let’s not forget the morning kiss.  It was morning breath flavored, but now I can only remember its sweetness.  For one brief moment I smile at the wonderful memory of waking up to her…then I am quickly brought back to the realness that my life is the Dictionary.com’s definition of, destitute.
            The showers I take now are cold and lonely, and my back is left dirty—mornings just aren’t the same.  Why do I bother to sleep when I know what tomorrow brings?  As much courage as everyone tells me I must have to get through this it takes a greater courage to not stop breathing.  And it’s hard to feel courageous when all you feel is weak.  When you know that your life is not in your hands, but in her words.  When you cry at night begging…begging…begging God to bring her back or take your life.
            My every day duties and errands bring people that give glimpses of her hair, her walk, her way about that reminds me of her.  From the smell of roses, which I gave her on our first date; to the smell of matches she lit to hide the scent of her flagellants; to the lady I see throwing her hair back.  All reminders of her and her ways.  It is amazing how many people look like her now that she’s gone. 
            Listening to the radio is just setting myself up for instant pain, because every song tells our story.  And, I haven’t seen a movie in months because every one has something to make me cry.  I even see it in the work I do; every word I speak and every thing I do are evidence of heartache and sorrow.  I avoid music as much as possible.  I can’t bear to watch a movie without her.  There is nothing I do that won’t bring flooding memories of her.    
Whenever I greet another woman with a hug I try and steal the same warmth and tenderness she had in hers.  When I kiss other women I try to kiss them as I did her in hopes they’ll kiss me back like her, but the rhythm her and I had is lost—will a kiss ever feel as sweet?
That’s all in the past, but it lives in me now.  I still feel her when I hear the word “LOVE” or see it in a couple holding hands.  The pain hurts today as it did on the first day without her.  Today repeats itself, so there is no tomorrow in my life, only yesterday and today.
So, what does the future hold?  Probably some more todays.  I still love her as much as I ever did, and maybe I’ll try calling.  Maybe it’s better left alone.  After all, there was something that brought me to this point; and then again if it’s Love then it’ll be.
Everything in life was set before us. My future revolved around us.  You know: a house, kids, being together forever.  Now everything in my life is uncertain.  I have no idea what’s out there for me or what I want.  All I know is that I need her right now; but that’s now. 
Everything I wanted to do in life I wanted to share with her.  Life is nothing without someone to share it with.  There is much meaning in my life and work, but at the moment it means nothing to me.  My life is still empty and incomplete without her.
I look forward to the day I have some resolution and no longer awaken to all of this.  The day I can walk through a mall and not see her face.  The day I can turn the radio on and sing along without tears in my eyes. When I can breathe without pain and sleep without crying.  Today is not that day.