Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Today


          
Each day I sink deeper and deeper into an endless abyss of tears of despair, trying to keep from drowning.  As long as I can see, hear, feel, touch, taste, or smell anything, I am reminded of the pain her memory brings.  
            Every morning I turn to find her gone and my pillow is wet from the tears of crying myself to sleep.  I’m quickly reminded of the shivers I would have from her cold feet, and her nudge to press the snooze button.  Let’s not forget the morning kiss.  It was morning breath flavored, but now I can only remember its sweetness.  For one brief moment I smile at the wonderful memory of waking up to her…then I am quickly brought back to the realness that my life is the Dictionary.com’s definition of, destitute.
            The showers I take now are cold and lonely, and my back is left dirty—mornings just aren’t the same.  Why do I bother to sleep when I know what tomorrow brings?  As much courage as everyone tells me I must have to get through this it takes a greater courage to not stop breathing.  And it’s hard to feel courageous when all you feel is weak.  When you know that your life is not in your hands, but in her words.  When you cry at night begging…begging…begging God to bring her back or take your life.
            My every day duties and errands bring people that give glimpses of her hair, her walk, her way about that reminds me of her.  From the smell of roses, which I gave her on our first date; to the smell of matches she lit to hide the scent of her flagellants; to the lady I see throwing her hair back.  All reminders of her and her ways.  It is amazing how many people look like her now that she’s gone. 
            Listening to the radio is just setting myself up for instant pain, because every song tells our story.  And, I haven’t seen a movie in months because every one has something to make me cry.  I even see it in the work I do; every word I speak and every thing I do are evidence of heartache and sorrow.  I avoid music as much as possible.  I can’t bear to watch a movie without her.  There is nothing I do that won’t bring flooding memories of her.    
Whenever I greet another woman with a hug I try and steal the same warmth and tenderness she had in hers.  When I kiss other women I try to kiss them as I did her in hopes they’ll kiss me back like her, but the rhythm her and I had is lost—will a kiss ever feel as sweet?
That’s all in the past, but it lives in me now.  I still feel her when I hear the word “LOVE” or see it in a couple holding hands.  The pain hurts today as it did on the first day without her.  Today repeats itself, so there is no tomorrow in my life, only yesterday and today.
So, what does the future hold?  Probably some more todays.  I still love her as much as I ever did, and maybe I’ll try calling.  Maybe it’s better left alone.  After all, there was something that brought me to this point; and then again if it’s Love then it’ll be.
Everything in life was set before us. My future revolved around us.  You know: a house, kids, being together forever.  Now everything in my life is uncertain.  I have no idea what’s out there for me or what I want.  All I know is that I need her right now; but that’s now. 
Everything I wanted to do in life I wanted to share with her.  Life is nothing without someone to share it with.  There is much meaning in my life and work, but at the moment it means nothing to me.  My life is still empty and incomplete without her.
I look forward to the day I have some resolution and no longer awaken to all of this.  The day I can walk through a mall and not see her face.  The day I can turn the radio on and sing along without tears in my eyes. When I can breathe without pain and sleep without crying.  Today is not that day.

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